


I Think We Should Break Up

by mageicalwishes



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [26]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Book 3: Any Way The Wind Blows, Break Up, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown Day 26, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, happy-ish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: Simon is trying to do what's right for Baz. Baz disagrees.Carry On Countdown, Day 26 - Break
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027147
Comments: 6
Kudos: 50
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	I Think We Should Break Up

**Simon**

I’ve been staring past him for at least half an hour now. I just need to … get it out. _Just get it over with._

I brought him up here - To the battlements - because I thought it would be easier. More air. More space. _Less trapped._ But … now I’m not so sure. I can see the remains of the White Chapel from up here. The remains of that night. _Focus. Focus. Focus. ‘Baz, I want -’ Just say it._

He’s sucking on his fangs, nervously. My mind is flurrying. I’m twitchy - Too much energy bubbling around under my skin. I’m shuffling between my feet, _trying_ to push it down. I can feel his eyes on me - Burning and boring. Watching. _Waiting._

“Baz, I think that we should break up.” 

_Oh Crowley! Oh god. I’ve done it. Why? What have I done? What’s he going to say?_

His face drops, crumbling in on itself. Down-turned eyes, staring dully. _Fucking hell. What am I doing?_

“Simon-” He’s shaking his head, swallowing thickly. “What - What are you talking about?” 

“You know,” I whine, scuffing my trainers along the floor. 

“No, I - Why? _What did I do?”_

His voice is wobbling horribly. _Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I think I’m gonna’ be sick. I can’t do this. What am I doing?_

“Nothing,” I whisper. “You didn’t - We just - We … have to!”

“No,” he objects. “We don’t _‘have’_ to do anything, Snow!” 

_Oh fuck. I think he’s annoyed. I don’t want him to be annoyed. I just want to get this over with. I want him to be happy._

“No, Baz, I - You don’t understand.” 

“Then make me!” His voice creaks in the middle, and I can hear his breath shaking. He’s crying. _Shit. Shit. Shit. What am I doing? What have I done?_ “Tell me why we _‘have’_ to do this, Snow! Because I _really_ don’t understand.” 

“We just - I can’t _do_ this anymore, okay?” 

“Okay,” He trembles. “Just … _listen_ to me, okay? _Please_ . Before you do this. _Please.”_

I nod, because I don’t trust my words. They won’t come out how I want. _Nothing is coming out like I want - Like I’ve been planning in the mirror for months._

“Just tell me, _honestly,_ if this is what _you really_ want? Because if it is, I _swear_ I’ll go. I won’t text. I won’t call. I won’t drop by your flat. You won’t have to worry about me anymore, alright? I’ll go. _I promise._ But it _has_ to be what _you_ want, okay?” 

I shrug, so he carries on.

“Not what you think you _have_ to do. Not what you think _I_ want. Not what you think _I_ need. Not - Not _anything_ to do with _anybody_ else.” 

“But-” I interrupt. “You _do_ need it.” 

He scoffs out a laugh, wet and bitter. “I do not _need_ this, Snow. This is pretty much the _last_ thing I need. Look,” he sighs. “I’m not _trying_ to change your mind. If this is what _you_ want, you can have it. But … I think you’re making a mistake. You’re not - You don’t _seem_ like you're doing this because this is what _you_ want. Whatever you need to be happy, Simon, I’ll do. If this is what you _need_ or _want,_ I’ll do it. But if you're just … destroying this because you don’t think that you don’t deserve it, or you think that I don’t _want_ this, then you're wrong. _So wrong._ Doing this … it isn’t going to fix what you want it to. Not if you’re not doing this for the right reasons.” 

“I- I-”

_I don’t know what I’m thinking. Do I want this? Not really. But I do, because … this is the only way. I can’t be what he needs. Not anymore. And, he’s too … caring to see it. (I never thought I’d think of Baz like that, but he is. He’s caring, and kind, and considerate, and patient, and understanding. And … too good for me. Always has been. Always will be). He won’t dump me, because he won’t hurt me._

_I’m not afraid of hurting myself. I’m afraid of hurting him. And that’s all I’ve done these last few months. Knock him down. Push him away. Shut him out. Break him down. That’s why I have to do this, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I hate this._

“You don’t have to know, right now, Simon. Can you just … _please_ think about this. There’s no rush. I’ll wait. Day or weeks, I don’t _care._ Just … I _want_ you to do what _you_ want. That’s _all_ I’ve ever wanted. If you’re doing this for _anyone_ but _yourself, please just … don’t._ Is this what _you_ want, Simon? Is this what _you_ need? Because I promise you, it’s neither of those things for me. So if this is just you trying to be the hero again -”

I shake my head. I’m sobbing now. I want to grab him, and kiss him, and take it all back. But I _can’t._

“Whatever you decide, I’ll be fine. So, don’t let _that_ play into it either, alright? If this is what you need, then I’m happy to give it to you. But, it _has_ to be for _yourself,_ okay? This is one area in life where I encourage you to be as remarkably selfish as you like. I’m capable of looking after myself. If there ever comes a point where this-” He jabs his fingers, pointing between the two of us. “-is what _I_ need, or what _I_ want, then I’ll make that decision for _myself._ I don’t need _you,_ or my _Father,_ or _Bunce,_ or _anyone else_ to do it _for_ me.” 

He’s sniffling, but he’s strong. Every word pointed and concise. 

I think I’ve pissed him off, to be honest. He’s got that definite hardened, too-clear edge to his voice, in spite of the way it’s shaking. And it sounds like he’s telling me off.

_It doesn’t feel like I’m being told off though? I feel … understood. I feel cared for. I feel … Fuck. I feel awful._

“Baz-” I start. 

“It’s alright, Simon,” he breathes, softer now. _Sweeter._ “Just … can you at least sleep on it? _For me.”_

I shake my head no. 

His breath catches, rattling his chest, and he whimpers. He looks a wreck _(For once)._ Hair sticking to the tear tracks on his face. Crooked nose reddened and wet. His hands clenching and unclenching rapidly by his sides. 

And then, he steps forwards towards me, hesitantly. Reaching out and grabbing a hold of my hands, squeezing them gently, as he leans forwards and presses a kiss to my cheek. Then, dropping them and looping his arms around the back of my neck, pulling me against his chest and nuzzling himself into the side of my neck. The damp, cool of his skin, foreign against the heat of mine. 

I hold onto his waist, carefully. Feeling the trembling jolts of his body, as he weeps against me. _When was the last time I held him like this? I don’t remember._

He pulls away and looks down at me, half-smiling joylessly. 

“Okay, love,” he says. “I’ll mi - I’ll get Bunce to grab my things from our room. And I - You know I wish you _only_ the best. And I - I don’t regret anything about the last three years, okay? Don’t _ever_ tell yourself that I did. _Please.”_

And then, with a final press of his forehead to mine, he’s turning. Walking back to the stairwell. _Away from me. Out of my life._

_Oh God. What have I done? What am I doing? Why is he leaving? Why am I letting him? Why? Why? Why?_

“Baz, wait!” I cry, running after him, before I even know what I intend to do. “Wait! Please!”

He stops and turns, and I crash into him. Grabbing his waist, and sinking us to the floor. _My mind is screaming. I can’t think. I can hardly breathe, or see, or talk._ I just hold onto him. _I have to hold onto him._ I’m rambling into his chest, a mess of words dampening his lavender shirt. 

“Please don’t go. I’m _sorry._ I didn’t mean - Please don’t. I don’t want - _Please._ Just don’t. You don’t need Penny. Please don’t tell her. I don’t think - I don’t _want.”_

And then he’s shooing me like a baby (Which is fair enough, ‘cause I’m _absolutely_ acting like one, right now). Smoothing his hands down my sides over and over. Rocking me against him and mumbling into my curls. _Both of us, breaking together._

“It’s alright, Love. I’m here. I’m not going. It’s alright. You’re alright. We’re alright. Just breathe. Just relax. I’ve got you. I’m here.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so sad :,) I really don't know what DEMON possessed me to write this  
> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed :) Comments and kudos, appreciated.  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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